The secret of "no."

A crop of Jamie Beck’s “Day 1” from the series Isolation Creation.

It’s May and today is saturated with sunshine, a rarity in these last few weeks of Michigan grey skies and unrelenting rain clouds.

From my barstool, I take in the bustling street below our apartment— lanky girls in high-waisted jeans wandering from shop to shop, runners lapping up the late afternoon sidewalk, a pair of well-dressed men walking hand-in-hand with their well behaved pup to share a drink on the pizza cafe’s patio across the street.

My own man and pup are sharing the comfort of the couch for a mid-day nap. While they dream, I write.

This month, I’ve been thinking about the word “no.”

Rarely do I utter this word aloud. I think because I’m a woman still discovering how kind an honest “no” often is.

I recently acquired a new piece of art—a print of a still life floral arrangement that was created, shot, and edited by the wistful Jamie Beck.

With overblown blooms splayed open, the work is a provocative array of pink roses, red tulips, and cream lisianthus. Step through our door and the print confronts you immediately. A lavish exclamation upon sight, feeling a touch out of place.

You would never, in a million years, assume such decadence and excess was birthed from a “No.”

And yet, Jamie brought that work to life on Saturday, March 14, 2020. Living in Provence, it was day 1 of COVID quarantine. Jobs had been put on hold, life’s rhythms had ended suddenly, and Jaime—like all of us—was attempting to bring some sense to a world that had been seemingly sapped of all possibility.

So she began Isolation Creation: a commitment to produce a work of art each day to help carry herself through the pandemic. Along the way, hundreds of thousands of people tuned in to find a bit of light in her floral arrangements during a particularly dark and overwhelming season.

For Jamie, “no” meant “I will not cease.” In the face of shutdown, she refused to stop expressing herself, perfecting her craft, and giving herself to beauty. The choice cost her time and effort, and it must have brought its share of doubt and loneliness as she shut herself away in her studio for a few hours each day. However, it also made the world a kinder place, I think, with people borrowing from Jamie’s courage to keep going.

This is the great secret of “no.” Every “no” we give should also represent a “yes” to something dear in our lives.

When I showed Aaron Jamie’s print of her first day of Isolation Creation, we both agreed that I should purchase it. These last two years have been difficult to quantify, changing each of us in more ways than we can fully articulate. To have a piece of art marking the day the world changed and our choice to keep seeking beauty feels like the best way to honor the pandemic’s weight, even as we emerge on the other side a new set of human beings.

I feel different on this side of the great season of isolation. And perhaps where I feel the most different is in how often I experience a sense of “no” inside of myself.

“No, I am not satisfied.”

“No, this isn’t right.

“No, I’m chasing something else.”

To hear myself say “no” like that has made me curious. Is something wrong with me? Should I be worried?

But as I sit with my “no”s, I start to see the fabric of my “yes”s stitched within each. “No” has created room for me to say “yes” to each of the biggest decisions I’ve made in the last year—

• Celebrating our marriage with the people who faithfully supported and believed in us along the way

• Starting a job with more creative freedom and growth potential

• Completing a manuscript of my memoir

• Building this space for creative community and encouragement

• Becoming a family with my husband (and yes, our pup)

• Seeking integrity in my faith and how I live it out in the world

Each of those choices has cost me something. Each has come with a few difficult “no”s. And yet, each has been a source of deep joy, a joy I refuse to trade. I hope the shifts I’m choosing continue to carve out a rich and inclusive space for “yes.” I hope “no” will continue to make life feel more, not less, full.

What about you? Has “no” grown to be a bigger part of your vocabulary in the last two years? If so, has it been tied to pursuing a deeper “yes” or driven by something else?

I’d love to hear your thoughts. I’m still on a journey with my own “no” and “yes.” And there’s plenty of learning I have left to do.

Thanks for walking this bend of the road with me.